March 2006

Smoking Ban Starts in Glasgow

As of 6am, 26th March 2006, Glasgow's public places are now smoke free.

Now read that again, because what an astounding piece of news it is. I mean, all the arguments about Glasgow smokers losing their human rights, all that tosh about businesses losing income as a result, every piece of diatribe complaining of our new 'Nanny State' Scottish Executive, just put all that in a very large box made of paper, and burn it.

I hate coming over all political and angry at the best of times, simpleton as I am, but when it comes to smoking, I just can't help shouting on the rooftops as loud as I possibly can that this ban should have come into force yonks ago. No argument. It's like, I've always thought that if aliens were to land in the middle of Buchanan Street on a Saturday afternoon, primetime for shoppers, or even if it were just folks from the future, they'd take one look at this wierd fascination we have with white sticks filled with hot crap that makes us die quicker, and wonder just what the hell we were doing. They'd be laughing and scratching their heads at us all the way back home.

So Purveyors of Darkness and Doom, Knights of the Unproportionate Human Rights, get some perspective. The ban on smoking in Glasgow and the rest of Scotland can only be a good thing, so suck it up.

And to our dear foreign visitors, all I can say is 'Welcome. Welcome to our new improved green City that cares more about your health than it does about perpetuating one of the most tragic failings in the human psyche. I hope you have a nice time, now that you won't be coughing up ash as you enter the plane on the way back home.'

A good day for Scotland.

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The Olympics in Glasgow - Who'd have thunk it?

In yesterday's Budget, Chancellor Gordon Brown let loose that from September 2006, the UK will be holding annual School Olympics throughout the country.

The first will likely be held in Glasgow's Scotstoun Athletics Centre and Tollcross Park Swimming Pool. It'll attract 1200 competing weans and will be shown live on TV. So now, given the tangible risk that Glasgow's populace makes the lethargic decision to watch the whole thing on the box rather than simply walk round the corner and see it in person, I think that now's the time to start drumming up some excitement about the event, particularly given that it's likely to give at least a small taste of what we'll be treated to if the Commonwealth Games come to Glasgow in 2014.

It's like this - The better, more explosive the atmosphere we can bring to this event, the clearer it'll be to the 2014 Selection Committee that Glasgow should get the nod.

So Glasgow, in the words of Shakespeare's Cressida, 'Things won are done, joy's soul lies in the doing', or alternatively those of Jimmy McGlumpherty, 'Get yer arse in gear ya lazy wee tool ye'. All we need is just a tiny bit of enthusiasm and Glasgow will end up gleaming from these kind of events. So let's get it on.

At least for those of you visiting the City during September it'll be something else to add to the never-ending list of things to do...

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Marseilles - Glasgow's New Twin

Glasgow has gone and found itself another twin City. Personally, I recommend it, although it's a small wonder how six Cities around the world could look exactly alike.

What's that? I don't get the concept? Hey now...

What I'm really looking forward to though, is that this will give me a great opportunity to blag free food and drink in another City simply for being Glaswegian. OK, so the last time I said to a waiter that I was his twin didn't really work out, but I reckon that was just the language barrier and the confusing look I got when I held up to him a poster of Big Arnie and Danny DeVito...

Well, have a look at the story anyway. It's all good.

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Come on Glasgow - Make St. Patrick's Day Official

Happy St. Patrick's Day. Mine will be a Guinness tonight in celebration, what with all my Irish blood and all.

I'll tell you, what I would give right now to be in New York or Dublin doing it all properly. I mean, don't get me wrong, you'll find it hard to have a better time celebrating today in anywhere other than Glasgow, but I'm putting my pennies-worth in right now - Why does Glasgow not have a St. Patrick's Day Festival? Eh? Eh? That's what I thought. If London can have one, well, there's absolutely no reason why we shouldn't as well. Yes, fair enough we don't even celebrate St. Andrew's Day properly and have a City half full of Rangers fans who'd likely take the huff, but hey, I'd enjoy it. Do it for me then.

So what do you say? Let's make it official - turn the Clyde green for the day (well, more green, that is...), change the banners in George Square to green, sprinkle clovers over Buchanan Street - Anything to make the whole day more fun and I'll be happy.

OK, so after a few jars of the Black Stuff I'll be happy anyway, but who's with me?

I'm off to listen to the Pogues and dance a wee jig until I'm thrown out of Court...

R.I.P. Jimmy Johnstone

Wee Jinky Johnstone, considered by some to be the greatest player ever to grace the Hoops of Glasgow Celtic FC, has died.

The years he suffered from MND did nothing to diminish his legacy in Scottish Football, and both Celtic and Rangers fans together as well as every fan of football will mourn this sad loss for years to come.

God rest his soul.

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Surprise Glasgow Snowfall - March 2006

This Sunday morning I staggered out of the Glasgow Garage at 3am-ish, thinking as usual that I'd just cross the road and grab myself a wee Chicken Fried Rice for the journey home, only to be met with clubber after clubber heading straight back into the club.

The reason for this unfortunately was not because the licensing laws had finally been completely relaxed, but that Glasgow had just been hit by an amazing snowfall. The entire City was covered, and as a result, an estimated 3,000 fellow clubbers were stuck in the Centre as the taxis and buses couldn't get in. So we all slept in the clubs and hotels until the morning, when everyone woke up and began the snowfight to end them all. My sympathy goes out not only to those caught in the crossfire, but also to the folks stuck at Glasgow Airport which completely buckled and ground to a halt for the day, as did plenty of roads around the City.

Anywho, to give you a little taste of what the City was treated to, I've created a new gallery and will be adding to it as time goes on. The images are free for you to re-use if you like, and I'd welcome any photos and stories you may have from Glasgow's fun day in the snow.

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You're having a laugh!

If you're going to be in Glasgow between the 9th and the 25th of this month, find yourself a seat at a venue for the Miller Glasgow International Comedy Festival.

I'm thinking of booking tickets to see Phil Kay at the Tron. Very funny guy if he gets on the right track. Most of the gigs and events are pretty cheap, so it's well worth heaving yourself away from the norm and have a wee giggle at some inane humour for a while.

In the meantime, wee Tam goes into a pub and says to the barman 'Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!'. The barman looks around the sleepy pub, shrugs and hands Tam a bottle of beer. He downs it in one gulp. 'Quick! Gimme another beer before the trouble starts!'. The barman looks at him oddly but hands over another beer. Wee Tam drinks it fast. 'Quick, another beer before the trouble starts!'. The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly. Again, Tam drinks it down PDQ. 'Quick, another beer before the trouble starts!'. The barman replies, 'Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?'. 'I haven't got any money!'

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Glasgow's new free link to the beautiful North

'And about time too', some would say. Others, like yourself, might say something like 'Scott, have you nothing better to do but dribble pointless utterings over your blog like you've got the brain capacity of a golden retriever, tongue out & primed in anticipation of some invisible bone of interest being thrown for you to scramble after? Don't waste my time, loser!'. Or something like that.

But hey now. I've decided that to keep things juicy, my new thing will be to report some important and interesting news about Glasgow whenever it crops up. I mean, just imagine me now sitting behind my newsdesk, make-up plastered on my cheesy face and the whole world just waiting for their TV to explode when I appear on screen, my every word lighting a fuse to the bomb of truth. 'Yeah, OK Scott, calm the beans there!', you might add.

And what better news to impart first than the fact that I learned yesterday that from 1st April 2006, the Erskine Bridge, one of the main arteries connecting Glasgow with the delights of Loch Lomond and beyond, will be completely free to cross.

Up until now, you'll have been charged 60p a pop for the privilege, but I reckon the disclosure of the 40 Million profit the Government made over the years from that nasty little toll fare might have had something to do with the decision to scrap the cost, rather than the whole 'ease conjestion' mince we're being fed with as a justification.

Either way, I welcome it. I travel the bridge both ways every day to get to work, and Tracey and I are now discussing what to do with the 24 pounds extra we'll have spare each month. My first thought was that we could dive straight into the travel agents, but of course the most likely outcome will be that it'll be added to Tracey's already burgeoning shopping budget.

So whilst it may be the case that I'd like to encourage you all to come to Glasgow, if you end up actually heading here then you should take this new free opportunity to explore the outstanding scenery only a few miles away up North. Just please don't buy a 'See you Jimmy' hat before you go!

Acceptance Speech

I know I know. Spare me the yadeh yadeh! I've been receiving a few messages recently from visitors watching the dust settle gradually on my little blog. Lobey's no happy either! He's told me I've just been nominated for the Laziest Blogger Ever Award. Apparently the ceremony will be held on 17th March in the ruins of the ol' Glesga Plaza, no red carpet this year given the dissapointing lack of genuine sponsorship offers. Sean Connery's been asked to dish out the award, but Boaby Chief Taxman's going to be in the audience, so I guess that one's out the window. If I win, I'll be thanking the usual suspects and promising to keep up the good work, tiring as it is. If I lose however, well, you can bet that when the cameras turn to my seat they'll find nothing but a half-eaten Subway Melt, my public rejection having bludgeoned me away to the Glasgow IMax to see V for Vendetta. Ah, the trials of having celebrity status. So anywho, I get the point, and will just have to brush aside in rather negligent fashion my daily legal work, concentrating more on dispensing nonsense to the masses. And on that note...

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