Learn the Clockwork Orange
- aka the Glasgow Subway

The Glasgow subway is entirely underground (none of yer nancy popping up for air here!), and formed within a small circle in the centre / west of the City. There are currently 15 stations connecting the tubes, and the general thing to remember is that the outer circle runs clockwise round the network and the inner circle runs anti-clockwise. Way less complicated than London's maze of lines I tell you!

There's a great deal of moaning in Glasgow about the lack of modernisation to the Glasgow Subway, particularly given that despite it being so ancient, at no point in its history has it been extended to cover more of the City. The main reason that it hasn't, is because Glasgow's surface covers a long-forgotten history of abandoned mineshafts and solid rock, which also explains why up until the new Elphinstone Tower's construction, the Council made the smart decision not to build above a certain height. That said, I can see why those living in areas not covered by the subway would begin to take it personally!

So if you're heading to an area that is covered by the Glasgow Subway, use this guide and you should find that despite the lack of modernisation, and despite how grim and foreboding it might look (particularly at night), in actual fact it's the most convenient, safe, inexpensive and quick means of getting around the City Centre and the West End of Glasgow. More and more people are even using it these days to park & ride into the City, as in places like the revamped Shields Road station it costs next to nothing to park there all day, compared to the price of liquid gold you'd have to pay in the centre.

Basic travel guide? Head to the nearest station. Purchase a ticket at the staffed ticket office in the station, or if it's closed or has a headache-forming queue, slot your payment into one of the grey machines you'll see dotted about. You'll get a credit card sized ticket (see prices & options below), which you'll take and slot through the barriers (look for the green arrows on the barriers) in front of whatever circle you'll be travelling on.

As for which circle? In each station you'll see a large map of the Glasgow Subway much like the one I've shown above. Wherever you want to go, there will only ever be two options. For example, let's say you're at Buchanan Street station and want to go to Kelvinbridge station. Look at the map, you'll see you have to go along the inner red line heading west, in other words the inner circle, so head for the big sign that says 'Inner Circle' and you'll know you're headed in the right direction.

And if you're travelling back from Kelvinbridge to Buchanan Street, look at the map, see that you'll have to get the outer brown line going east, the outer circle, and head straight through the barriers.

Now what did I say? - Simple or what? But don't worry there. If even this gets confusing, if you find yourself being hustled and bustled along with the rat race crowd towards the barriers, and end up getting on the wrong line, like I say, it's a circle. The train takes about 24 minutes to get around the whole line. So if you head in the wrong direction it won't take too long to be transported back to where you want to go anyway. Now what other underground system in the world can do that for you?

When you're on the train and manage to get a seat (normally you can unless it's rush hour), the commonly understood etiquette is not to stare at the person opposite you! They provide extremely boring adverts above everyones' heads for you to glare at during your journey, so you might want to take a neck-rest! And it's pointless using your iPod or mobile phone whilst you're being shoogled about, because for one your phone won't get a reception down there (unless it's Government Standard Issue of course!), and secondly, in any event you'd be lucky to hear anything over the jungle roar of the train itself.

Oh, and as in all enclosed public places in Scotland these days, don't smoke!

If you're intending on roaming about the various attractions in Glasgow but won't be long, I'd recommend getting yourself the Discovery ticket. When you buy this, you get a leaflet outlining the attractions, tourist information and so on that will help you plan your day. The ticket will allow you to travel unlimited around the Glasgow Subway, as long as you start your journey after 9.30am (otherwise all those weary rat racers heading to their work earlier on would take advantage of the cheaper price!). If you're here for longer though, of course it makes sense to get a 10 or 20 journey pass or the season ticket.

As for the times of the trains on the Glasgow Subway, here are your frequencies, and the times of the first and last trains:

Having said all that though, from 20th April 2007, the Subway Nightrider was introduced. No, it's not another Hasslehoff-driven Kitt I'm on about! Having caved into many concerns about the lack of a Glasgow Subway service throughout the weekend nights, the Nightrider bus service was brought in, running from 11.40pm on Friday & Saturday nights until the Subway re-opens the next morning. On Sundays, it operates from 6pm until 11.30pm. Six buses provide clockwise & anti-clockwise journeys every 20 minutes along the route of the Glasgow Subway circles, at a fare of £2.00, and the buses stop at each Subway station, mirroring the underground system.

Now, whilst transport announcements like this are never the most exciting things to hear, I have to admit that when this was introduced it was great news. Basically, it means that if you're at a concert at the SECC or Armadillo and the gig runs late, no longer will you have to stand in the freezing cold cursing the fact that you missed the last subway train home, before trudging off with all the other Night of the Living Dead extras for a soul-destroying walk all the way into town. Now you're able to hop onto the Nightrider which runs with the frequency of the Glasgow Subway, so if the bus is too busy by the time you get to the stop, you can just wait a short while for the next one. After a few hours spent sweating and moshing your way through a superb gig therefore, your night will no longer be over when you leave the venue!

So I hope that this is all clear. Like I say, the Glasgow Subway is fast, cheap and more often than not it's also reliable. You're best to steer clear of the busy periods, for example at rush hour or when a football game's on at Ibrox, but if you find yourself in the middle of a bustling crowd and fancy getting a seat after all that sightseeing and shopping, all you need to do is take a step back and wait the few minutes for the next one.